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How To Tell If You
Are A Real Teacher


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  • Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been seen grading in church.
  • Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.
  • Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
  • Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.
  • Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
  • Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
  • Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning their backs on the class.
  • Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders.
  • Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds.
  • Master teachers can eat faster than that.
  • Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House.
  • Real teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.
  • Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders.
  • Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.
  • Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.
  • Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks of final exams.
  • Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office.
  • Real teachers can "sense" gum.
  • Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day.
  • Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.
  • Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
  • Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
  • Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil at Sam's.
  • Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/teacher's lounge.
  • Real teachers never plan discussions for first period or co-operative groups for 7th during an evaluation.
  • Real teachers have the assistant principals' and counselors' home phone numbers.
  • Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school.
  • Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them.
  • Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.